For the last few weeks, I have been on a mini-quest. God has allowed a spiritual thorn in my side- the spiritual thorn of anxiety- because He always has a lesson to teach me.
Since the selling of my family home, a little over a month ago, I have not had the magical happy ending to the fairy tale that I was hoping for. After a week long “pink cloud” of utter and total euphoria- REAL LIFE happened. I got a couple of debilitating migraines. My Mother still has dementia- and continues to decline. I still need to visit her three times a week and pick up her laundry (she has a terrible allergy to the detergent that the nursing home uses….). Our car broke down- and not in just a small way- in the “it will have to stay in the shop for a week and cost thousands of dollars to fix”-kind of way. Menopause continues to happen. End of the school year classroom preparation. Problems with getting our boat back in the water……
In short, I have not been feeling the peace that I was hoping for. The peace that I had EXPECTED to feel, when I was no longer responsible for our family home. The “happy ending” that I had longingly set myself up for……In recovery, they tell us “expectations are premeditated resentments”. That is truth.
In addition, my body seems to be sending me very STRONG messages to SLOW DOWN and spend lots of quiet time alone- something that is not always easy for me to arrange- with the demands of my too busy schedule. All I want to do is be by myself right now. In my bed reading. Walking in nature. At the mall. In restaurants. Sitting in coffee shops and on park benches. Browsing bookstores……My body and spirit seem to be craving alone time – LIKE AIR.
My wise and wonderful therapist says that this is my central nervous system- trying to re-wire itself after running on overdrive for much too long. He is prescribing “extreme self-care”- until I can get my equilibrium back.
My Pastor, and Best Friend are suggesting that I may be experiencing some spiritual opposition and are prescribing prayer and leaning on the promises of God.
Both, I think, are excellent prescriptions.
I make it a practice to seek the counsel of wise mentors in my life. So, I am following their advice.
Yesterday, after leaving the nursing home, I took myself out for an afternoon of alone, extreme self-care. I had a massage (my 2nd in a week!!), browsed the bookstore for an hour, while sipping a decaf latte, and took myself out to dinner. Just me, myself and I…….
This morning, I got out my oldest, most dog-eared, highlighted and littered with post-it notes Bible (I have a lot of Bibles- but this one is my old reliable)- and looked at many of those highlighted passages. I picked one to copy by hand. This one will go with me wherever I go this week. I will meditate on it. It is a very familiar one that is full of truth on how to fill one’s mind with the things of God.
I have lived in want. I learned to be content there. (mostly….)
I now live in plenty. God will teach me to be content here too.
Jesus loves me. This I know. For the Bible tells me so…….